Although I don't like to admit it to myself, let alone others, I've experienced depression since infancy, numerous times with such severity as to be hospitalized. Depression--that foreboding of doom, heavy and wounded, that tucks me in at night and greets me with her warnings in the morning; that dark paralysis of hopelessness, like those dreams where you are being chased and your heart is pounding, you are trying so desperately to run, to escape some monstrous thing, but your legs are heavy, weighed down by an invisible sludge, and you are powerless. And you sweat and and silently scream, yet never fully wake up.
I believe this is the reason I have always sought out and found solitude in nature and with her creatures. Also, the reason that I have been so driven as a seeker of spiritual truth and of mindfulness training: to fully face and experience this darkness and honor it as my teacher, for despite my own efforts, I have not been able to get rid of it.
And I have learned that depression is a doorway to beauty. She has taught me compassion for myself and others. She has told me that She is fierce and has many disguises, but unclothed She is divine love cradled in the arms of the many shadows, protecting what is budding within.
She has done her job well. I see that now…I see her beauty and I love Her. And now I don't want to say good bye.
I believe this is the reason I have always sought out and found solitude in nature and with her creatures. Also, the reason that I have been so driven as a seeker of spiritual truth and of mindfulness training: to fully face and experience this darkness and honor it as my teacher, for despite my own efforts, I have not been able to get rid of it.
And I have learned that depression is a doorway to beauty. She has taught me compassion for myself and others. She has told me that She is fierce and has many disguises, but unclothed She is divine love cradled in the arms of the many shadows, protecting what is budding within.
She has done her job well. I see that now…I see her beauty and I love Her. And now I don't want to say good bye.